Tim Rogers the talented lead singer of You Am I ( just google his song Heavy heart) admitted recently he was prone to anxiety attacks. The exquisitely beautiful voice of Megan Washington is manouvered past someone who otherwise stutters. As a child, I suffered; we were a family of refugees, and none of the problems of resettlement had been resolved by the time of my early years; at that age of course you are too young and unformed to mentally shape the objects that oppress; you only endure the horrible symptoms: the nightmares and bed-wetting, at school the bullying. As a teenager I began to suffer panic attacks; certain public situations, ironically, mostly in church during Sunday mass, I would suddenly freeze,

At university, I smoked marijuana joints with my contemporaries, partly because everyone did it; underlying that, the need to relax the mind. Of course, there masturbation, and at other times yoga and mediation played their part. I think the neural pathways take several attempts to learn to respond to the stimuli of THC; suddenly I was being swept away by that tide of intoxication: Lucie in the Sky with Diamonds; people I’ve smoked with have described my level of intoxication at that of the severity and depth of LSD.

Suddenly, it all started to go wrong; I would be sitting on a beanbag, then the brain would go into a spin. The freeze would would become a tussle of logic for what seemed like ages. I experienced the same sensations when I ingested LSD. My mates seemed embarrassed at my discomfort or maybe uninterested? Recently, someone suggested a grounding technique: see 5 things, say 4 words, hear 3 things, smell 2 things, taste 1 thing. I may have missed one of the factors? Had I known of this scenario, I think things would have been better. I think i have to admit it amounts to neural re-wiring. Art making, meditation, having sex should all be seen as positive contributors to mental health.

Back in 2010 I began to experience symptoms of epilepsy; my neurologist later described them as partial epilepsy; they occurred regularly, weekly in fact. I would start with a sensation of impending doom, then nausea would overwhelm me and then vomiting. In 2013 I had my first complete episode of epilepsy, which most appallingly involved a feeling of the mental slate having been wiped clean; I literally did not know who or where I was, or what had just happened. Luckily, my friend, who over time has become my carer, called the ambulance. Since 2013, this neural situation has involved severe spinal convulsions and bed-wetting, an unpleasant re-visiting of my childhood.

For a year now, I have been episode free. Personally I think the entire situation was precipitated by my cardiac operation in 2001 (aortic valve replacement) and my need to ingest blood thinners. My cardiologist warned me that they interacted badly with green vegetables and their Vitamin K; however, as he said, he was not a dietitian. Clearly, I misunderstood his instructions and removed green vegetables entirely from my diet. This is the by-product of today’s medical system and its specialisation, as my university lecturer described it, knowing nothing about everything, and everything about near nothing.

What I look forward to is a situation where Australia allows people access to medical marijuana; in my situation, I have spent ingesting THC, the helpful ingredients as well as the intoxicating ones. Clearly, we need more work on techniques of neural re-wiring, seeing that as a real therapy, instead of the lone, blanketing effect of medication. One sensible medical practitioner recently said he saw “deep meditation” as a very real therapy; that’s a step in the right direction.


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The Fall of Milo

In the Drum last night a young woman who described herself as a conservative and at times defended Milo Yiannopoulos as a supporter of free speech at times negotiated the moments when Milo crossed the line. When asked what free speech she would condemn she replied that only when a person ordered another to go out and hurt others would she feel that the line had been crossed. Yet, an atmosphere of moral equivocality has been established under Trump; the Jewish community, always vulnerable to right wing bigotry, has recently suffered a wave of nasty behaviour: swastikas painted on synagogues, for instance, or a Jewish cemetery desecrated, tombstones overturned. Trump’s style is to express prejudice one day and then to deny it another, which creates an environment of moral relativity; people in need of targets for their anger and outrage feel they are permitted to behave accordingly.

Yianni’s sneering about gays, all of which was equally applicable to himself, as the interviewer said, and not tolerated in Nazi Germany, covered some interesting ground. Yes, after an extraordinarily harsh upbringing we are in need of counselling, at the very least. Here, the interviewer agreed, to the point that his personal opinion was that ALL religions were hateful and damaging. But Yianni is a living examplar of internalised homophobia: powdered, bejeweled, wriggling and weirdly opinionated, hating his own kind, following the Trump.

Re the infestation of feminism, the Shulamith Firestone book of the 1970’s speculated that young people and adults would negotiate their relationships. As she belonged to the far left, perhaps her opinions were expected to be extreme and thus ignored.

Since I wrote the previous blog, Milo has lost his book dead with Schuster NY and his connection with Breitbart. I watched an extensive analysis of the interviews Milo gave in 2016 (?) and the speaker made the assumption that Milo was only now being punished for his seeming pro-pedophiliac comments because he was also pro-Trump, whom he disgustingly called “daddy”. I wonder if this a use of gay porn idiom? But, when Milo said that he had actively pursued the Catholic priest, whom he remembered as being “hot”, he insisted the relationship was affirming. I have an older friend who made a similar claim, that he had nobody in his adolescence to whom he could turn for sexual education. The reviewer of Milo’s demise as a public figure said that pedophilia occurs with children belonging to disfunctional families, to children who cannot reach out to their local priest or teacher for protection. The use of the term “grooming” is useful here, because the victim brings a damaged sense of self to the abusive situation; what results is that the victim comes away with a triumphant feeling of having drawn the attention of an adult, a person of power, compared to the victim who is confused and powerless.  Years later, perhaps the victim needs to continue to assert that the experience was minimal, that it actually had positive effects. This was certainly my case.


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homophobia lately

A far right (Christian?) group met last week to air their anti-gay opinions and to voice their views about Muslims: “I don’t mind them, BUT” It’s all in the BUT. An ex-Liberal pollie voiced what was for him a dubious ancient scenario: “Hadrian was in love with a young man called Antinous, who fell off their barge and drowned. They were probably snorting coke at the time”. Had he made light of a fated heterosexual situation the true tastelessness of his comments would have been apparent. Instead, the audience reacted with a metallic laughter, scary in its righteousness.

Another member of the bigot think tank, a cartoonist from the Gold Coast, made the extraordinary comment that Muslims were ok, because they threw pillow-biters off the tops of buildings. I went into shock at the barbarity of this viewpoint. Firstly, that now antiquated name calling of “pillow-biter” is so inadequate: for a homosexual act to happen there has to be both active and passive partners; does the tag imply that only the passive partner deserves derision? It certainly concurs with a lot of apocryphal opinions that even hetero males can indulge in male male sex so long as they maintain the sanctity of their anus. Jesus wept.

As for the barbarism of recent ISIS behaviour, it is worth noting that one of their leaders was found to be indulging in male boy sex: four legs bad, two legs good? The Australian cartoonist who approved this style of execution should put his legs where his mouth is, and travel to Syria to join his like minded bigots. Democracy with its insistence on mutual respect for all citizens is wasted on such people.

I found it curiously psychopathic that Elizabethan England had similar events as ISIS run lands where the locals were made to watch as people were dispatched in the piazza: by hanging or beheading; Iran under the Ayatollahs with its dubious chastity police had similar events: people strung up in the local square from cherry pickers.

However, having read on Facebook, of the behaviour of US right wing evangelists, their attempt to have the bible taught as a valid science text in schools is the least absurd item of their bigotry, nothing surprises me now. To have one preacher promise that if same sex marriage is legalised he will smear faeces on his face. Where are the psychiatrists to tell such people how desperately they need treatment?

hanging-garden35-krishna1harm fabric I find it so predictable that these bigots only refer to the Old Testament (I am a jealous god); the beauty and gentleness of Jesus are rarely quoted, much less lived.


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Treaty, recognition and the Australian constitution

Today, the South Australian minister for aboriginal or indigenous affairs announced that a committee would be set up to draw up a treaty between the forty aboriginal nations of SA and the state govt. This is a great day in Australian history, although Victoria has already thought along these lines, as has WA. We Australians are the last nation not to have entered into a treaty with the indigenous inhabitants; Canada, the USA and NZ have all done so, to varying degrees of success. In the USA, for instance, an oil drilling company went ahead and laid down a pipeline through a Dakota burial ground. Protesters had to be discouraged by army personnel. A friend on her visit to London gained the impression that Europeans think of us as quite uncivilised; although that might as well relate to our treatment of refugees in Manus and Nauru.

As a visual artist I am attracted to the character and health that the facial features hold; I was always horrified by the obvious years of ground in misery and suffering that older indigenous people showed to the world. By comparison, a younger generation, admittedly a group of stellar quality AFL players: Adam Goodes and his ilk bode well for a future where Australia can become a united culture and all its components feel that they are able to contribute.They are a generation of happier people; I am happy for them.

I think it was strange that a section of the Melbourne AFL ground reacted badly by booing when Goodes did his war dance, although it seems to show more their insecurity than any aggression on his part. Making him Australian of the Year bears this out, that the majority support him. Anyway, any number of sportspersons will do a dance of triumph at a great moment in their game.

A number of people, both indigenous and Anglo-Australian, agree that treaties and constitutional recognition will not result in division and ill will. Like the Dakota situation, it may mean that local industry will have to take indigenous interests more seriously; this can only result in land, water and air quality being improved. In my head, I’m doing the war dance, even as I write.

Finally, an anecdote from the past: a yoga teacher in the 1970’s would take a group of us for an exhaustingly long hike along the coast; at the end of the hike we passed close by a pool which our teacher explained contained ochre, with which the original local people painted themselves during ceremonies. We dived in nude and covered ourselves with the reddish pigment. I surfaced and suddenly the red sandy powder had dried into the most magical golden colour. I looked around me at the tall gum trees; before, they had seemed harsh but now they had a soft, mellow appearance; I felt as if I belonged. It was inexplicable. The NT indigenous man Gulpilil, who acted in the Movie Walkabout, once said that anyone who was born here, whose umbilical blood was spilt on this earth, could inherit indigenous citizenship, with, however, all its obligations and claims.


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Gay hate crimes at Bondi

Just today ABC TV investigative journalist and Lateline presenter Emma Albarici reported from the Glebe Coroner’s court on the re-opening of the investigation of Scott Johnson’s death at North Head.’s-death-suicide-or-a-gay-hate-crime/8110386

In a previous segment on the 7.30 news commentary, it was speculated that a wave of hate crimes had occurred in the 1980’s mainly from the Bondi cliffs. The newly re-opened police investigation of Johnson’s death, previously dismissed as suicide, will include the confession by an individual that he acted as “bait”, luring gay men to be attacked by his accomplices.

Johnson’s investigation may well result in the re-opening of a number of cases which were also classified by police as suicides. Today’s news item included a chilling forensic re-enactment of a dummy being pushed from the Bondi cliff, to compare the difference between suicide and a person being thrown from the cliff, the latter landing a greater distance from the base of the cliff.

Truly, I have to stop reading Richard Stevenson, watching Morse and Lewis and all the rest of them. But recently, I watched Emma Albarici interview right wing cartoonist Bill Leak and was quite annoyed that she did not query his concept of the gay rainbow protest as a nazi army manoeuvre. It would seem that these days interviews have to be conducted on the most diplomatic terms, no probing questions asked, where the interviewee gives him/herself away in their own terms. I thank her for having attended Glebe coroner’s court in Sydney in the mid 30’s temp; of course, it may just have been a slow news day. We will see when Lateline re-opens.

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Colorado and legal marijuana

An interesting doco on SBS has just informed me that the US state of Colorado had recently legalised the use, both medicinal and recreational, of marijuana. Since doing so, it has spawned a series of industries and activities. Let’s deal with the silly ones first: the multi million dollar factory that makes drinks and chocolates that can get you high; any number of entrepreneurial scenarios that can make the designer a lot of money, however, carry the problem that money earned is considered by the federal govt as illegal  and risk it being seized. A protection industry staffed by ex army guys (who could star in my porn movie any day) is needed to convey huge amounts of paper currency to undisclosed, but guarded vaults since 80 0/0 of all transactions use paper cash.

Then, there’s the medical marijuana industry: despite research that has taken place in several states in the USA, as well as belatedly here in Australia, the validity of such research is accepted reluctantly. Children with gruesome seizures daily are found to get better from the use of such a medicine. The result is that whole families become displaced so that a child may receive relevant treatment, resulting with families living in trailer parks in cramped conditions, and parents becoming destitute. Should parents together with their children attempt to cross state lines to where their extended families live, and a job prospect is likely, the child’s medicine may be seized by police, and should the child prove positive for drug ingestion, the parents risk being charged with drug abuse. The medical clinic makes all this clear, the rock and the hard place of the situation.

Australia is only now commencing drug trials for multiple illnesses including epilepsy in children; for some of them suffering up to 20 seizures a day, any relief would be welcome. It is a condition I experienced weekly for a year, then, last year more serious episodes, called “tonic/clonic” took place; these were quite frightening, of which, wetting the bed and spinal spasms were the more bearable. It seems to me the most precious aspect of being human is consciousness; after such an episode, memory of self was diminished. You lived under a cloud of vagueness for several hours, not knowing who you were or what had happened the night before.

As I have not had such an episode for several months, nearly 12 months, I spoke with my neurologist about the medical marijuana trials. His advice however was that I was overqualified, by which he meant that I no longer experienced the episodes. However, the high dosage of so-called mood enhancing medication with its side effect of manual trembling that I continue to take daily makes me wonder if it is time to try something new or rather different. From my hippy days ingesting the weed has been a regular event; I wonder if its absence in my system for the last decade has created this protest demanding THC?

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Shakespeare’s Skull

SBS TV ran a doco on whether Shakespeare’s skull had been removed from his tomb in an English country church. The group investigating the issue used all manner of laser equipment to scan and re-construct both the contents of the tomb and a single dis-embodied skull, which according to a pamphlet, had been interred in a nearly family vault. The latter was opened, to the excited comment of the presenter (It could almost be Harry Potter); permission had been granted however on condition that no bones in the crypt be disturbed.

The skull was reconstructed by a forensic specialist and found to be that of a 70 year old woman. Meanwhile a scan of the tomb inside the church, which had always been recognised as Shakespeare’s, seemed to indicate that its contents had been disturbed at some time and reconstructed to support the floor paving. The inscription on the tomb, clearly a place of unusual veneration, mentioned a curse upon anyone who disturbed Shakespeare’s bones.

One can only surmise the benefits resulting from tourist pilgrimages to this place. The look of perversity on the cleric’s face when he announced that permission would not be granted to open the grave; one wonders if  definite proof that Shakespeare’s skull was missing would induce  disappointment in a potential visitor, perhaps even persuade them against visiting the church. Perhaps a residual, spiritual belief that the skull was the important site of consciousness and even the soul was at play here?

Part of the doco’s explanation for this curious grave-robbing and stealing of the skulls of people of genius was involved with the contemporary theory of phrenology, that a serious study of the bumps on a person’s skull explained emotion, spirituality and so forth. The only consolation I can find from this dark corridor of history is that we were prepared to do to members of our own culture what we did in the colonies, to subjugated people.

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